After talking with one of my best friends in her backyard while the day turned into night I came to the conclusion about where my head has been at during this past year. Even though both bad and good things have happened, my heart has been numb through it all. I've been pushed around, been given opportunity, and yet I haven't been actually feeling. Basically, it's as if I have been sitting trapped in a tiny boat in the middle of lake, just floating, trapped and drifting side to side. All I need to do is stop over analyzing everything and just jump out of the boat into the lake and start making waves. This whole time I have been sitting in the boat thinking it was the lake that was the problem, when really it's been me the entire time. I kept thinking I there was something wrong with the lake, or it wasn't the right lake or what have you. But really, all I need to do is get out of the boat and enjoy the lake I've been given because there isn't anything wrong with it, it's how I've been looking at it. All this time I could have been splashing around, swimming along from to shore to shore. But instead I've been sitting in the boat. It's time I jump out of the boat and into the lake that is my life. To anyone reading this that feels the way I do I hope that this analogy inspires you, I really do. Because we shouldn't feel this way. It may take baby steps, maybe we can't just jump out yet. Maybe we need to dip our feet in little by little making tiny ripples before we start making waves. But eventually, we'll make it.
Here are some things on my mind...
1. Listen to at least one full album a week and read the artist's biography. This is how I used to pass my time in middle school and high school. I used to actually buy CD's, and browse through that little pamphlet/cover art that came with it while listening to the album on repeat.
2. Practice yoga...everyday. I also used to do this. I would even practice twice or three times in one day! Now I'm lucky if I even get fifteen minutes down in one week due to laziness. That ends tonight.
3. Talk with all my closest friends. Talk honestly, openly, and play with each other.
4. STOP STARING AT MY PHONE OR COMPUTER SCREEN. This is important. Sometimes an entire day will pass and I realize all I did was stare at my home screen. That ends now.
5. Stop thinking. I think too much. I really do. I mean, we all think a lot, but my thinking has reached an unhealthy point where the weight of the world rest on my shoulders. And my thinking has even stopped me from actually doing.
6. Instead of looking through the eyes of others, just be. And stop thinking of who you want to be and just be that person. Make it organic.
7. Be kind to yourself.
8. And don't be afraid to put yourself out there. As we get older it's harder to just be vulnerable. When you were younger it was socially acceptable to be stupid, I guess cause everyone else was being that way too. But as you get older it feels like more of a competition between people rather than making magic. This part doesn't make sense so let us just be.
Disclaimer, I refuse to re read what I just wrote so it is what it is. I also used to do this. I am a writer at heart and a thing I used to stand by was not fixing what I wrote. I did this for school projects too, my first draft was my final draft. I've been constantly editing and re reading and making everything perfect and better and you know what? I don't care. I'm going back to just letting it go because the first draft is always the best draft and when you edit you lose its authenticity and it's uniqueness.